The season of change

I think some of my love for fall is derived from the celebration of change; the leaves change color and fall, giving way to the stillness of winter and the growth of spring. I was worried that fall may be tarnished because of Ryan's death, which happened in November 2020. I immediately felt bitter that he took this season from me but as the time continues to march right along as it always does, I realize that nothing could take this season from me. Nothing about Ryan's choice to leave was about me. I was merely a casualty of his decisions, just like the girls. I hate the term survivor because it implies that I was involved in the attempt or decision. At first, when someone referred to me as a suicide survivor, I cringed and wondered who decided that's what we ought to be called in this situation. Certainly not a victim, but I strongly dislike the survivor label.  So now, here I am. An advocate for mental health to its very core. 

Working to instill in my children (is it weird that I call them mine, even though they are "ours?") a core belief that they are worthy of love at this very moment, that there is nothing they need to do or be to deserve unconditional love.  I want each of my children to know that this is their life. They need to make the decisions that align with who they are first and foremost before they make a decision to make others happy. That they should be brave enough to notice when something is no longer serving who they are, who they wish to become, it is more than okay --necessary even -- to make a change. That we are not stuck in any one version of ourselves. Noticing and taking such action requires self-love and that when people talk about self-care, it has to be more than a bath bomb or a shopping spree. My children are loved beyond measure and will never have to worry about telling me anything; I have spent the better part of my professional career learning how to actively listen (that is listening to listen, not to respond). I will be there for them, to hold them when they fall, when they grow out of a version of themselves that no longer reflects their true self, when they need to hear affirmations about their worth, when they are celebrating their growth.